Soliloquy
by fmd-jade
Summary: No one needs to do this all alone. And sometimes, when you're down, you just need someone to share your road and believe for you.
1. Chapter 1

Rayna squinted her eyes as she turned on the light in the downstairs hallway on her way to the front door.

"Juliette?" She asked in surprise. The porch light illuminated enough of the young woman's face that Rayna could see the exhaustion in her every feature. "It's five in the morning, honey. What's going on?"

Her eyes landed on the baby carrier the same moment its occupant decided to make herself known.

"Can you please make her stop crying?" Juliette shifted uncomfortably.

Maybe it was the utter desperation in the younger woman's voice. Or just the small whimpers, interrupted by the occasional hiccup, coming from the baby carrier on her arm.

"Oh girl, come inside." Rayna said instinctively. "What's wrong?"

Juliette slipped through the door and through the dimly lit hallway into the living room. Rayna made some light while Juliette lifted her daughter out of her car seat.

"Nothing's wrong apparently. At least that's what they told me in the ER. That she's just fine." Juliette said with a hint of desperation. "But I suppose I'm the worst mother in the world because she won't stop crying."

Rayna took the little girl from Juliette's arms and cradled her in her arms. "Oh, honey. You're exhausted, aren't you?" She talked to the baby in a gentle voice, rocking her softly.

"She's exhausted? I'm exhausted because she wouldn't shut up the whole night." Juliette's temper flared. "You know I fed her and I changed her diaper and she wouldn't even shut up on the drive over. Which the whole internet promised me would help. So I've been driving around for hours and now…" She took a deep breath and Rayna could see the tears gathering in her eyes. "I can't do it anymore. Please do something."

"Have you tried just holding her and rocking her?" Rayna asked in a sweet voice, gently swaying left and right with the child in her arms. And much to Juliette's dismay, it seemed to do the trick as the baby girl slowly quieted down.

"You're kidding me, right? Of course I held her." But her voice sounded smaller and more doubtful than Rayna would have expected. Juliette sank down on the sofa and tried to hide her face behind her hands.

"Hey." Rayna gently settled the baby against her shoulder, supporting her little weight with one hand. The other reached out to comfort Juliette as soon as she had settled down next to her. "That's what babies do, sweetheart. They cry."

Juliette just shook her head.

Rayna snuck a look at the little girl and couldn't help a smile when she found her already half asleep against her shoulder.

"You know what?" She nudged Juliette's shoulder and waited until she raised her head. "Why don't you go on up and lie down in the guest bedroom. This one's out like a light for a few hours and I'll just stay here with her."

"Seriously?" Juliette latched on to her words like a life raft and the careful hope Rayna saw in her eyes made her chest hurt.

"Yes. It's the second door on the left. Now go. I think I can handle this." Rayna smiled encouragingly.

::

The grey morning light was already making it's way into the room when a soft knock on the door woke Juliette.

"Hey." Rayna gently said as she slipped through the door. She climbed unto the bed, careful not to jostle the bundle in her arms. "You awake?"

"A bit." Juliette smiled sheepishly.

"Here, take her."

"What? No, she's finally sleeping. We shouldn't disturb her."

Rayna just leaned over and handed the sleeping baby over carefully. "Trust me. She'll be all grown up in the blink of an eye. You don't want to miss this."

Juliette arranged her daughter in her arms until she too felt comfortable and leaned back against the pillows. A small smile played over her face as she watched every square inch of her girl's face.

"She's so beautiful." She whispered.

"She is." Rayna agreed. "Does she have a name?"

Juliette tore her gaze away from her daughter long enough to roll her eyes. "No." She said testily. "Avery and I can't agree on anything."

"Where is Avery?" Rayna asked carefully.

"Working a gig in Chicago." Juliette said. At Rayna's surprised look she rolled her eyes again. "I told him he should go. It's important for him and he was driving me crazy." She admitted. "That was stupid, huh."

Rayna's expression softened. "No. It's totally okay that you want to do this by yourself. You just know that you don't have to. And accepting a little help along the way doesn't make you a bad mother."

"Doesn't it?" Juliette asked in a low voice. "I couldn't even calm my own daughter down."

"Hey." Rayna reached over and laid her hand against Juliette's arm until the young woman reluctantly met her gaze. "It's okay. You were both exhausted and just needed a break. You don't need to feel guilty for that."

"How do you...?"

"I had a baby once, you know." Rayna smirked.

"Yes, but you... " Juliette drifted off, not knowing how to put it.

"I wasn't alone?" Rayna supplied.

Juliette nodded.

"You're not alone either." Rayna pointed out. "Avery is right there. And from what I've seen in the hospital, this little one has him wrapped around her finger." She added with a smile.

"She has, hasn't she?" Juliette chuckled and looked back down at her girl.

Rayna just watched Juliette. It was nice to see her so… calm. And happy even if everyone's attention didn't revolve around her.

"Hey, baby." Juliette cooed and Rayna leaned over to see the little girl opening her eyes. Her gaze was still unfocused but she seemed to take in everything around her.

"Okay, you definitely need a name for her." Rayna declared with a laugh.

"What's wrong with Baby?" Juliette asked indignantly, lifting her shirt so her daughter's seeking mouth could find it's target.

"Nothing." Rayna threw at her, but the look she gave Juliette begged to differ.

Juliette blew out a soft chuckle. "Avery wants a rock star name and I just want something unique. So every time we talk about it we just end up fighting, which makes baby even crankier. At least we agreed to not name her after anyone. She'll be her own person."

"I think as long as you don't name her after the weather or animals or such you'll be fine." Rayna supplied. "She'll hate her name at some point no matter what it is."

Juliette gently shifted her girl around to her other breast. "So. Enough about me and my nameless child already." She said with a sudden gleam in her eyes. "What's with the wedding?"

Rayna groaned and turned her head into her pillow.

"Come on, Rayna. All people want to talk to me about these days is diapers and breastfeeding. Indulge me." Juliette demanded petulantly.

Rayna turned her head and took a long look at Juliette and her pleading eyes. She hummed thoughtfully. "Fine." She said eventually and shifted back onto her back. "What do you want to know?"

"Well…" Juliette gestured wildly with her free hand. "Last I heard it was postponed until July 4th."

Rayna nodded, her eyes floating to the ceiling. "Yes." She said softly.

"So? God, do I have to worm everything out of you?" Juliette asked exasperatedly.

Rayna laughed before she let her head roll to the side so she could face her friend. "There won't be a wedding."

"What?"

Rayna just pressed her lips together and nodded.

"Whose decision was that?" Juliette asked.

Rayna thought for a moment. "Mine in the end, I guess. But it's been long enough for me to realize that I made it impossible for Luke to go through with it. And…" She added as an afterthought. "… he made a move on Sadie. But I didn't know that until it was all over anyway."

"Wait a second." Juliette frowned at her. "Just how long has it been over?"

Rayna pondered that for a few moments before answering. "About two months now."

"And does Deacon know about this?"

"What?" Rayna asked defensively. "What does he have to do with anything?"

"_Everything_ from what I've seen in the last two years. And from what I read in that Rolling Stone article." Juliette argued only to instantly calm down her whimpering daughter.

Rayna grimaced and closed her eyes.

Juliette settled the baby against her shoulder and stroked over her back soothingly. "So what happened?" She eventually asked with a gentleness few people knew she possessed.

Rayna met her eyes and shrugged. "A few weeks ago…" She started but had to clear her throat nervously. Thinking back to that particular moment in time still made her feel uneasy. "A few weeks ago Deacon collapsed after his opening gig for Luke in L.A.. And Luke kept it from me." She took a deep breath and looked over at the baby who was currently trying to fit her fist into her mouth. "But things being what they are I found out. And Luke and I had a fight. And I mean… it was huge. And then he gave me an ultimatum."

"Didn't he know you would choose Deacon?" Juliette smirked knowingly.

Rayna just huffed, her eyes once again going to the ceiling. "Hell, I didn't even know I would choose Deacon."

They both fell silent, content to watch the baby fall asleep again in Juliette's arms.

"So what does Deacon think about it?" Juliette kept digging.

"I have no idea." Rayna admitted.

"You mean you haven't told him?"

"I did tell him."Rayna was quick to defend herself. "I told him before I told anyone else. Well… I was just about to board a plane so I sent him a text and all I got in return was an 'Okay.'."

That one word still made her blood boil. And her head ache from all it did and didn't say.

"You're kidding."

Rayna just heaved a deep breath and shook her head. "I'm not. And that's all I've heard from him in weeks."

Juliette shimmied further down the bed so she could lie down again, the baby resting on her chest. "So? What are you going to do?"

Rayna mimicked her position on the other side of the bed. "Nothing. He knows and decided not to do anything about it."

"That's bullshit." Juliette shot her look filled with disbelief.

"No."

"Yes." The younger woman insisted. "That man is bat shit crazy about you, woman. He has waited forever for his chance with you."

"Well he has it and he didn't do anything about it. And for once I'm going to respect that." Rayna argued back.

"Like hell you will." Juliette would not take no for an answer.

"Well, what do you want me to do?"

"What I want you do to? If you really want him you should fight for him. Like go out there and do something about it. Just…" Juliette struggled to find the right words. "Be crazy and risk something."

"Be crazy?" Rayna asked disbelievingly. "You mean like you when you married that football player?"

"Yes!" Juliette exclaimed whole heartedly. "And I know that's probably not the best example but I got out there and made damn sure I got what I wanted."

Rayna didn't say anything in return and Juliette suddenly started to doubt herself.

"You do want Deacon, right?" She asked warily.

"Yes." Rayna said with a thick voice. "I do."

"Good." Juliette nodded. "I'm serious here, Rayna. Hell I think this is the most time I have spent talking about anyone else but me in a long while. So I'm dead serious."

::


	2. Chapter 2

Both women looked up from the comfortable silence they had fallen into when the door slowly opened and two heads peaked inside the room. As soon as Daphne and Maddie spotted Juliette they forgot all of their reservations and forged into the room to join their mother and Juliette on the bed.

"Oh my God, is that your daughter?"

"She is so tiny!"

"What's her name?"

"Can we touch her?"

"Okay girls, slow down." Rayna gently tried to calm down her over-excited daughters. "Let's give Juliette some room to breathe."

"Well." Juliette laughed at their enthusiasm, forgetting any awkwardness she'd ever felt when she'd interacted with Rayna's daughters. "Yes, this is my daughter. And no, she didn't feel all that tiny when I had to squeeze her out of me. And she doesn't have a name yet. But if you're careful, you can hold her."

Both girls looked at her with wide eyes, before making themselves more comfortable. Juliette carefully rearranged her daughter in her arms while Rayna showed Maddie how to hold out her arms.

"Wow." The teenager said once she held the girl in her arms.

"She is so cute." Daphne said completely in awe as she stroked over the thin layer of hair on the baby's head. Then she looked up at Juliette with a wide smile. "I always liked the name Iris."

"Yes. Because everyone names their kid after a ten year-olds whim." Maddie mocked her sister.

Juliette couldn't help but smile as Daphne just stuck out her tongue in retaliation. Her eyes met Rayna's and they shared an understanding smile.

So this is what family had to feel like. Lounging around in your PJs on a Saturday morning and knowing that harsh words were not taken all that seriously.

"Hey, you know what?!" Juliette nudged Daphne's side and leaned forward. "I like that name, too." She said in a conspiratorial whisper.

Iris.

Yes, she decided. She really liked that name.

"Can we babysit her?" Maddie looked between her mother and Juliette.

"Definitely." Juliette replied, much to Rayna's surprise. "And maybe you could start right now so I can go and take a shower that lasts more than five minutes?!" She asked with a hopeful smile.

"Sure." Rayna agreed. "You go take that shower and we'll take this little party downstairs to make breakfast. Come on." She held out her arms to Daphne, who was by now cradling the baby in her lap.

"Can I carry her downstairs?" She asked with her best pleading look.

"No." Rayna decided and scooped the little one into her arms.

::

"So." Juliette asked some time later as she sidled up to Rayna in the kitchen. "Do you know what you're gonna do about Deacon?"

Rayna bit down on her lip. "I don't know, Juliette."

"What?"

"I'm thinking I should just respect his decision." Rayna tried to explain. "You know… do the mature thing."

Juliette crossed her arms in front of her. "No. I don't know. You're both miserable right now. So doing the mature thing sounds like the worst idea ever in this whole scenario."

Rayna drew a deep breath. "Maybe you're right."

"What? Did you just admit that I'm _right_?!" Juliette asked gleefully.

"I said _maybe_." Rayna immediately tried to calm her down. But she couldn't hide her smile.

"I know I'm right." Juliette said emphatically before adopting a more serious tone. "Rayna. I've seen that man be more miserable than I thought someone could be that wasn't me. And then I've seen him happier than I ever imagined possible. And it was all because of you."

Rayna met her eyes. "Yes. And that scares me. I don't want to do this to him. I don't want to hurt him or be hurt by him ever again."

"Well." Juliette shrugged and looked over into the living room where the girls tried to entertain her daughter. "From what I know you two have been through everything already. What's the worst that could happen now?"

Rayna wasn't convinced but nodded none the less. "We'll see."

::

What's the worst that could happen…

Rayna snorted. She felt like a fool, listening to Juliette. But at the same time she drew courage from her words. Because as much as she hated to admit it Juliette knew Deacon, too. In a more intimate way than Rayna would ever feel comfortable acknowledging, but she knew him.

Her and Deacon had already said everything there was to say to each other. So what _was_ the worst that could happen?

She took a last fortifying breath as she spotted his truck making its way to the house and stepped out of her car to wait for him on the sidewalk.

Rayna could tell from the way he slammed his car door shut that he was not happy to see her.

"Hey." She started gently.

"What are you doing here?" Was his only reply. He didn't even look at her as he gathered his bag from the back seat.

Rayna nercously clenched her hands. She wanted this, she reminded herself. She just hadn't anticipated so much head wind. She waited until he had made his way around the car and had to face her. "I was hoping we could talk. About us."

"What's there to talk about?"

Rayna's tone became slightly harder. "Uhm. I don't know. A few months ago you told me you loved me and asked me to marry you."

Deacon cleared his throat and shifted nervously. "Yeah, so? If I remember correctly you said no and chose another man."

Could this man be any more hard-headed? "Deacon, listen. I know that I hurt you. And God knows I let you down more than once-"

"Yeah, you know what?" He interrupted her loudly. "You did hurt me. I'm hurt and I'm angry. You made me feel like I'd never be good enough to be with you. And you might feel like pouring your heart out to me will make it all better but I don't want to hear it, Ray."

Rayna fought against the tears in her eyes with the only way she know how. Anger. "Why the hell not?"

"Because I'm not done being angry!" Deacon was in her face instantly. "You rejected me and I'm not done hating you for it."

"Deacon."

He just shook his head, looking anywhere but at her.

"Deacon." She damned how broken her voice sounded but she waited until he finally met her gaze. She couldn't read a damn thing in it. "I'm sorry. I'm more sorry than you could ever know."

Deacon's eyes fell to the ground and he drew in a deep breath.

"Hey." Rayna said gently and waited until he looked at her again. "You were right. Maddie and Daphne and you and me. That has never been more true. I love you Deacon and I want to be with you."

He just let out a hollow laugh. "That's great, Ray. Because every time I told you the exact same thing you threw it back in my face, telling me it wasn't enough. So why the hell should I trust you now with the only thing I have left?"

Rayna tried hard to keep her emotions, her hurt as well as her frustration, in check. And the disappointment. Because he was right, this was all her doing. But something was nagging at the back of her mind, telling her that this was all wrong. She concentrated on that feeling, if only because it would keep her away from the abyss that was currently spanning between them.

"What's going on, Deacon?"

If the question caught him by surprise he wouldn't let it show. "Nothing."

"Then what is this really about? Because I know you love me." She knew that without a doubt in her heart.

Deacon just shrugged. "Yeah, you got me Ray. I love you. There, are you happy now?"

She wasn't. Instead she felt a sick and nervous feeling in her stomach. "And do you want to be with me?"

Rayna watched him carefully. He heaved a deep breath let his head drop for a moment before he had the strength to meet her gaze. She felt her heart already breaking.

"I don't know, Ray."

::

He took a few deep breaths to find a cooler head.

"Deacon. I know I screwed everything up between us."

Her voice was thick with guilt and he couldn't bear it. He held on to his last shreds of righteous indignation and hoped he wouldn't be the one to break. He wouldn't give this to her. Because she knew him. She knew him better than anyone else and she's just proved it a few moments ago, asking him what was wrong. One look and she would know that this was all an act.

He wanted to believe her. Had never been more ready to be with her. But he couldn't do this to her. Not now.

Deacon cleared his throat but his voice was still ragged as he spoke. "Let's just not do this now, Ray."

"Yes. Now." Her stubbornness was a blessing as well as a course. She crossed her arms in front of her chest and he knew it wasn't a defensive gesture. It was insecurity. "It's important that we sort this out, don't you think?"

"I don't know if it's worth it." He felt sick to his stomach.

Rayna recovered long enough to start panicking over what he said and she didn't like. So she did the only thing she had left. She lashed out. "You can't run around town telling everybody and their mother that you love me for years and then just… tell me it's not worth it. I don't believe that and I know you don't either."

He could hear what she didn't say. _It's not fair_. From where he stood none of this seemed fair. Not that she finally accepted her feelings for him when he was in no place to offer her anything in return.

When he hesitated he could see her face crumbling. She blew out harsh breaths as tears gathered in the corner of her eyes and Deacon felt a sharp stab in his chest as he considered everything he was about to lose here.

He watched Rayna swallow hard before she looked at him levelly. "I love you. And I know you have no reason to believe me the way I treated you, but it's true." She cleared her throat. "Lord knows I have kept you waiting long enough. So you go and be angry with me."

"Rayna." He tried to interrupt, but Rayna just kept going, her voice growing stronger.

"I'll be here. I love you and I want to be with you. And I really hope you won't make me wait another fifteen years, but I'll be here."

Deacon felt tears burn at the back of his eyes as he watched her get into her car and drive away without another look at him.

Damn that woman.

He took a deep breath before he finally made his way up his walkway towards the house. AS he stepped onto the porch he saw that the front door was ajar and frowned.

That was until he actually entered and found Scarlett sitting on the floor, her back resting against the wall next to the door. Tears were silently streaming over her face.

Her eyes flicked up to his and he could see the disappointment there.

"Oh God. Please tell me you didn't listen to this." Deacon dropped his head and kept walking towards the kitchen.

"Oh, I listened." Scarlett said angrily as she got up and wiped her tears away. "Did you?"

"What?"

She stood in front of him, arms crossed and a storm on her face. "Did you hear what she said?"

"Yes, God dammit, I heard her."

"Because that was the love of your life begging for your forgiveness." She needlessly pointed out. "She wants to be with you!"

"I know, alright!" He shot back before scrubbing his hand over his face. He forced himself to calm down. "But for how long? And what if she finds out? How long will she want to stay with me then?"

Scarlett just shook her head. "Do you really think that?" She asked disappointedly.

"No." Deacon sighed in regret. "I didn't mean it like that."

"She deserves to know. Maddie too for that matter. You know you can't keep it from them forever." Scarlett nudged him. It was nothing she hadn't already told him a hundred times.

A lump formed in his throat at the thought. "I can try."

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**Thank you for your reviews, I really appreciate them.**


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